Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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