I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
