Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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