her vagine was all disorganized.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
