someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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