i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
