I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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