just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
