yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
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so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
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We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
It's rum buckets o'clock
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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