Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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