Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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