I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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