No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
