Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
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He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
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But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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