Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.