I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check