ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
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They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
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URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.