He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.