I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I am available for nakedness
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.