Well douche your snatch and let's go!
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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