hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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