Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
