As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
either way he was missing a nipple.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
