When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
