News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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