tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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