I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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