i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
