he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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