Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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