How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
