im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Actions speak louder than pants.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.