My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
