well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
