So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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