I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
