Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
