Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
