"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
