awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
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I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
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I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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