i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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