You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
