I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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