don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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