I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
