I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
