just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
