My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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