i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
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I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
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He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
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