turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
