cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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