It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
