she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
this hospital has no fireball
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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