Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
