For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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