It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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