covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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