i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
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