i just wanna soil my oats bro
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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