he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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