Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
