I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
