It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
